Post by Ryan: Developmental Theories and Perspective

I’m sure many of us have gotten into an argument that sounded something like this:

“I know.”

     “You know?  How you know you know?”

“Well I just know.”

     “Well I don’t know that you know, ya know?”

“So you want to know how I know that I know what I know?”

Well the study of how we know what we know is epistemology – and it was the attempt to answer this question (how do we know what we know) that led John Locke (29 Aug 1632 – 28 Oct 1704) to do some thinking… and has happens when we think a lot, he got some ideas.

His theory of the Tabula Rasa would be essential for many people that have done some thinking since his time and rationalized that NURTURE is extremely important to how children develop and how we come to KNOW things.  This was very controversial at the time since it was believed that children were born with certain innate understandings, and it also led many parents to really spend some time thinking about how they were treating and influencing their children.

In today’s modern world we’ve learned that genetics and biological influences are also extremely powerful.

Jean Piaget (9 Aug 1896 – 16 Sept 1980) was one theorist who took this viewpoint.  He said that our environment doesn't influence us, but that humans develop according to genetically determined stages.  His is certainly a NATURE theory.

... or for some, this might sum it up better...

So who's "right?"

I think that the best theory relating to parenting, like most things in parenting, is kind of a mash up of everything that you've got.  You can't discount either side, so you have to accept both and adapt your style of parenting to factor in each perspective.

From the perspective of Piaget, EDUCATION is key.  He said, "only education is capable of saving our societies from possible collapse, whether violent, or gradual."  Education and teaching our children allows them to move through the normal phases of child development, working through challenges and mastering concepts as they go.

If we understand the role that genetics plays in our children's development, we can be prepared to alter our teaching style or adapt our parenting methods so that each child is getting from us what they really need.

This focus on our children really compliment's Locke's perspective on development.  Parent's are their child's guide and mentor, leading them through the challenges of life.  I think that children respond (especially as adults when they can look through their memories with the power of hindsight) and appreciate a parent who can say that they really tried hard to do what was best for them.

There are many other theories to how children develop... if you're interested, here's a Reader's Digest summary of a  few others:

Vygotski - Zone of Proximal Development

Vygotski & Piaget in 90 seconds

Erickson - Psychology and stage outcomes

Parenting ideas have changed a lot over the centuries...

The perspective given to us by modern day prophets helps us to take the good from the various theories and apply them to parenting.  The 13th Article of Faith states:

If there is anything ^hvirtuous,ⁱlovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things.


All these theories have something that discerning parents can learn from and apply to how they interact with their children.

Every Parent Is a Teacher

"Should a parent need added inspiration to commence his God-given teaching task, let him remember that the most powerful combination of emotions in the world is not called out by any grand cosmic event nor found in novels or history books—but merely by a parent gazing down upon a sleeping child."

Thomas S. Monson, "Only a Teacher: A Personal Observation," Ensign, May 1973, 27

Parents Should Be Examples of Christlike Attributes

"Each mother and father should lay aside selfish interests and avoid any thought of hypocrisy, physical force, or evil speaking. Parents soon learn that each child has an inborn yearning to be free. Each individual wants to make his or her own way. No one wants to be restrained, even by a well-intentioned parent. But all of us can cling to the Lord."

Russell M. Nelson, "Set in Order Thy House," Ensign, Nov. 2001, 70

Further Reading (in a new window, and in a nutshell) :

Attachment Theory

Blank Slate Theory

Erikson's Stages of Psychosocial Development
Theories of Childhood: An Introduction to Dewey, Montessori, Erikson, Piaget & Vygotsky

Post by Skylar: 2-5 Year Olds

Terrible Twos. Just hearing the phrase makes some parents shiver from past temper tantrums.  The toddler and pre-school years have gotten such a bad rap over the past years. But really, are all 2-5 year olds that “terrible?” Can’t there be some that don’ fit this stereotype?

This is an age where they start to play with words, use their bodies for more vigorous play, interact with others without less fear, and use their imaginations like there is no reality. It is also an age where they start to test limits, won’t reason logically, fight back, push buttons, won’t eat food, and say no just because they can.

Much of the conflict between parent and child occurs during this age frame because we don’t take the time to understand how they are thinking. They don’t reason like adults, but they are figuring out how too. If we took more time to understand where they were coming from, much of the conflict wouldn’t seem pointless. It might not go away, but it could be easier to bear through.

In the early 2’s, children are just entering pre-operational thought according to Piaget’s theory of cognitive development (Wikipedia, 2012). They are still very egocentric and have a hard time taking the perspective of others. They are just beginning to understand that symbols have meaning. Because of this though, they don’t understand sarcasm or often don’t get jokes. We may be sarcastic with adults and not be offensive while still getting our meaning across. But children especially in this age group need to be spoken to directly. Tell them you love them directly; they have a hard time understanding your love through other actions at this point (Williams, 2008).

Ages 3-4 are much more inquisitive. They want to know the why behind thing. It is often these questions that parents laugh at because they have no idea how to explain why a dog can’t talk or why the sun shines. It’s best to be honest in your answers. Give a short explanation; their attention often won’t last longer (American Academy of Pediatrics, 2011). But being truthful in the beginning sets a good road to follow for the future.

They are testing they’re autonomy and will love to say “no” to anything. They probably actually want to do what you are telling them, despite what many parents may think. A simple technique to use to avoid some tantrums about making their own decisions is to provide options instead of an ultimatum. If you provide two types of vegetables at dinner and give them the option to choose, it often goes much better than forcing their choice.  

By age 5 their reasoning skills are increasing. They still don’t have the capability that adult’s reason at but are trying to develop it. You may have to continue picking your battles, but realizing they are maturing and recognizing it is helpful. Talking to them as a “big girl/boy” makes them feel special and they will gradually live up to it.

It’s difficult to find hard and fast rules to parent your child, although many of us wish there were. Each child is so individual and often reacts differently. The best answer to many questions is to get know your own child’s needs and temperament and cater to them accordingly.

Here are some reader friendly sources you can go to for more information:

http://www.pbs.org/parents/child-development/

http://www.healthychildren.org/English/ages-stages/Pages/default.aspx

References:

American Academy of Pediatrics. (2011). Cognitive development in pre-school children. Healthchildren.org. Retrieved from http://www.healthychildren.org/English/ages-stages/preschool/pages/Cognitive-Development-In-Preschool-Children.aspx

Piaget theory of cognitive development. (n.d.). In Wikipedia. Retrieved August 1, 2012, from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Piaget%27s_theory_of_cognitive_development

Williams, J. (2008). Helping children cope with traumatic situations. Ensign. Retrieved from http://www.lds.org/ensign/2008/02/helping-children-cope-with-traumatic-situations?lang=eng&query=temper+tantrums

Post by Skylar: Moral Development

Children develop a moral sense all through their childhood. When they learn good and bad consequences, they start to understand that some things are not acceptable as other things are admirable. It is hard to pin down the exact years in which an individual's moral sense develops. But as they start understanding the boundaries and then start to test them, they do begin to understand there is right and wrong. No one necessarily has to tell them everything good and bad, they start to understand and figure it out on their own.

But how do we teach these little ones the humane ways of life? We certainly can’t and shouldn’t go through every circumstance with them and tell them what they should do. They need to go through experiences where they have to make decisions. But is there a lasting principle we can leave with them that they will think about in a moral choice?

            The most ingrained principles are often taught through example (Sears, 2011). Not that we shouldn’t try to teach them openly, but some things are more accepted by observing rather than being commanded to do so.It would be unrealistic for us to expect our children to be honest if we do not exemplify that in our actions. That’s not to say they can’t learn moral qualities from others, but parents often have a huge influence. If we want our kids to not yell at their siblings, we should lower our voices as well. Children observe much more than we often realize (Hinckley, 2007). They will copy our behaviors and say the things we say. Being the example you want your kids to be is perhaps the most effective way to teach moral development.

Research based knowledge show that children with higher moral values tend to have parents that also have these qualities (Walker, 2012):

-       High educational goals

-       Greater desire to help others

-       Volunteering

-       Sense of social responsibility

-       Religious

-       High ideals

            At some point the youthfulness in cognitive development to blame for some actions. But we can teach them along the way. When they make a mistake, talk them through it. Make the mistake an opportunity to teach. Get to the core principles and not just the actions. The principles will stay with them so much longer than any specific situation will (Sears, 2011).

            What’s more effective than being an example is learning personally. Many good parents have children who make big mistakes. But it is often those mistakes that create a stronger resolve to go forward in life versus not making any (Walker, 2012). It’s scary to think about just letting a child start making their own decisions, but trusting them to do it is a key part in permanent moral development.

           

References:

Hinckley, G. (2007). These, our little ones. Ensign. Retrieved from http://www.lds.org/liahona/2007/12/these-our-little-ones?lang=eng&query=influence+example

Sears, D. (2011). 8 Ways to raise a moral child. Ask Dr. Sears. Retrieved from http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/discipline-behavior/morals-manners/8-ways-raise-moral-child

Walker, L. (2012). Moral Development. BYU, SFL 333, Spring 2012.

Post by Danny: Nurturing close relationships

Introduction

The desire for a strong and healthy relationship with one’s spouse, child, sibling, parent or co-worker is common among all human beings.  Everyone wants to love and be loved, it is a natural human desire.  Everyone wants to be happy and wants others to be happy when they are around.  Life, however, has a funny way of impeding strong relationships from remaining strong. The most appropriate question to ask ourselves is why this occurs.  Why can I not maintain a daily healthy relationship with my spouse, or my child?  Why must we argue?  Why are there so many negative feelings associated, at times, with those we love the most?  What can I do to stop this cycle before it turns ugly? The answer is simple in concept and difficult in application.   We need to communicate our expectations and then lower them.

I know it seems counter intuitive to make clear what we expect out of a relationship and then lower our expectations, so we will take this one step at a time. 

Content

Dr. John Lund, in his book “How to Hug a Porcupine: Dealing with Toxic and Difficult to Love Personalities” says, that “frustration comes from unmet expectations”. So, how can we change this cycle of frustration and unmet expectation? First we must learn to communicate.  Communication is a two way street.  It requires one person to send out a message, and another person to receive and understand said message.  Therefore, if we tell our two year old not to leave the front gate without explaining to the two year old what the “front gate” means, we have not communicated with our child, and have no right to be angry with that child when he/she passes through the gate and on into the street.  Communicating our expectations requires a good deal of effort on our part.  It is not enough to tell our children to “be good” and expect them to understand all that being “good” entails.  In order to truly communicate our expectations we must be willing to explain what we mean, and receive confirmation that the expectation and explanation was understood.

Now that our position is clear and understood we can expect compliance right? Wrong. We humans tend to believe that our way is the best way and that everybody else should jump on board.  This, of course, is a very arrogant and flawed way of thinking.  We cannot expect that just because we have taken the time to communicate properly our position that it will be met with acceptance.  Our spouse, for example, may listen to our expectations of them, fully understand what we want, and find that what we want is completely unrealistic.  What do we do then?  We negotiate.  We allow our spouse, children, and siblings etc. to engage in the communication and expectation process.  This may be difficult, but after all, do we not want a say in how we are expected to act?

Even with good communication and negotiation, we may find our spouse, child, siblings etc. to fall short of our expectations.  When this occurs it is almost guaranteed that we are dealing with a human.  Yes, it’s true, humans are imperfect.  If we expect perfection in our relationships we will be disappointed every time.  If we expect excellence, or greatness we will likely be dismayed as well.  What we need to do in this situation is: lower our expectations!  Provide your loved one a few faults here and there.  Choose to withhold criticism, anger, and punishment. Choose not to be offended. Elder David A. Bednar, of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles once said, “it ultimately is impossible for another person to offend you or to offend me…To be offended is a choice we make; it is not a condition inflicted or imposed upon us by someone or something else” (Bednar, 2006). When we decide to allow our loved ones a few faults, the blood that usually boils within will slow to a simmer at first, and then hopefully, with time, it will stop all together.  That is the goal.

Remember the scripture in Doctrine and Covenants 64:10, “I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men”. That is not to say that we should allow others to walk all over us. There are certain behaviors that should not be tolerated.  Children especially need discipline and guidance to help them learn socially accepted behaviors.  The message, rather, is to remember that no one is perfect.  We are not perfect.  Remember the words of the Savior when delivering His sermon on the mount, “And as ye would that men should do to you, do ye also to them likewise” (Luke 6:31). 

Conclusion

            Nurturing close relationships can seem difficult at times, but there is one simple formula that can help us avoid frustration and confrontation.  Communication is key.  Communication takes one person to send a message and another person to receive and understand that message.  Communicating expectations to our loved ones is the first step in the process.  It is possible that we will need to make negotiations, especially when an expectation seems unrealistic to one party.  Once expectations are made, understood, and accepted we need to be willing to allow for human error.  No one will be perfect, and as we accept this fact, we will be better able to develop, and maintain, healthy and strong relationships with the ones we love.

References:

Bednar, D.A. (2006, November) And nothing shall offend them. Ensign and Liahona, 89-92.

Lund, J. L. (1999). Frustration comes from unmet expectations. In How to hug a porcupine: Dealing with toxic and difficult to love personalities. Communications Company.

Post By Danny: The Disintegration of the Family

Introduction

                Everyone that has read “The Family: A Proclamation to the World”, knows about the strong language used by the leaders of the church when speaking of the disintegration of the family.  The sentence reads as follows, “Further, we warn that the disintegration of the family will bring upon individuals, communities, and nations the calamities foretold by ancient and modern prophets” (¶ 8).  What many people may not know is what exactly those calamities are, and that certain such calamities have already begun to surface. This article will attempt to identify: what those calamities are, how they are beginning to affect us, and what we can do to safeguard our families personally.

What Calamities?

            The calamities foretold by ancient prophets go clear back to Old Testament times, are steadily found throughout all scripture, and continue through modern prophets today.

            In Isaiah 24 we read the following statements,

1.      “The land shall be utterly emptied, and utterly spoiled” (vs. 3)

a.       How might this happen?  D&C 29:16 reads, “And there shall be a great hailstorm sent forth to destroy the crops of the earth”.

2.      “Therefore hath the curse devoured the earth, and they that dwell therein are desolate” (vs. 6)

a.       What could such a curse be? D&C 29:18-19 reads, “I the Lord God will send forth flies upon the face of the earth, which shall take hold of the inhabitants thereof, and shall eat their flesh, and shall cause maggots to come in upon them…and their flesh shall fall off their bones, and their eyes from their sockets”.

3.      “The earth shall reel to and fro like a drunkard” (vs. 20)

a.       What does this actually mean? D&C 45:33 reads, “And there shall be earthquakes also in diverse places”.

b.      When the Savior was crucified in Jerusalem, we read that, “the veil of the temple was rent in twain…and the earth did quake, and the rocks rent” (Matthew 27:51).  In the Americas, “the face of the whole earth became deformed, because of the tempests, and thundering, and lightnings, and the quaking of the earth” ( 3 Nephi 8:17).  How will the earth react when everything that the Savior stood for is crucified by the people as well? 

In Doctrine and Covenants 45:26 we read that, “in that day shall be heard of wars, and rumors of wars, and the whole earth shall be in commotion, and men’s hearts shall fail them”.  How could the disintegration of the family bring about calamities such as these? 

1.      Divorce- Divorce often leads to feelings of depression, self doubt, and uncertainty among adults and children alike.  (men’s hearts shall fail them)

2.      Low rates of fertility- China, the most populated country on earth, has a one child policy that has resulted in many more males being born than females. “Imbalanced sex ratios have also been noted in other countries, most notably South Korea and India” (Liu & Zhang, 2009).  The problem with so many men is there is a “historical correlation between nations having excess men and being more warlike” (Hudson & den Boer, 2004). (wars and rumors of wars)

3.      Abortion- This is linked to low fertility rates and feelings of depression among mothers and fathers.  Moreover, it is considered a serious sin before the Lord, and has itself been the cause of much commotion in the land. (eg. Political disputes, attacks on abortion centers, etc.)

Lastly, I would like to mention D&C 5:19.  This scripture reads,

For a desolating scourge shall go forth among the inhabitants of the earth, and shall continue to be poured out from time to time, if they repent not, until the earth is empty, and the inhabitants thereof are consumed away and utterly destroyed by the brightness of my coming.

This scripture is not clear as to what this desolating scourge or sickness might be. There are many possible answers, but I will focus on one.

1.      Sexually Transmitted Diseases- Certainly STD’s have been poured out upon the inhabitants of the earth and have destroyed many lives.  This could so easily be avoided if men and women were abstinent before marriage and faithful to their spouse afterward.  STD’s are especially prominent among gay couples, who generally have many partners a year.  Breaking the law of chastity, infidelity to ones partner, and engaging in homosexual activities are all sinful acts that harm the institution of the family and have potential deleterious effects for those involved.

What can we do to avoid these calamities?

            I will not dwell long on this subject because of the simplicity of the answer: read, study, pray about, and live the Proclamation.  Remember that you are a child of heavenly parents, along with everyone else around you. Keep the law of chastity before and after marriage.  Honor your marital vows with complete fidelity.  Love and nurture your children.  Teach them the gospel.  Always remember that, “Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities” (¶ 7). 

Conclusion

As we can see, the disintegration of the family really can have severely negative effects on individuals, communities, and nations.  Nothing can ensure a perfect family, but following the principles found in the Proclamation can ensure that we will be in good standing with the Lord, and if we live as we are taught, we can have the hope to avoid at least some of the calamities foretold by ancient and modern prophets in our personal families.

References:

Hudson, V.M., & den Boer, A.M. (2004). Bare branches: The security implications of Asia’s surplus male population. Cambridge, MA: MIT Press.

Liu, T., & Zhang, X. (2009). Ratio of males to females in China. British Medical Journal, 338(b483), 899-900.

Post By Ragan: Child Abuse and Neglect

A child. A small, innocent child of God. Something that people usually cherish and love unconditionally, as they should. However, some people do not understand that sacredness that lies within these little ones.  They do not know how to care for children.  The children end up being abused and neglected and it must stop.

Children are a wonderful gift in our lives and should not have to suffer from abuse and neglect.  The consequences can be severe and their lives will be changed by such behavior of their parents.

In the scriptures is read, "know ye not that your body is a temple of the Holy Ghost...?" (1 Corinthians 6:19). Just as our bodies are sacred and important, so are our children's.  Abusing them and harming their bodies, minds, and spirits is contrary to everything that the Lord has told us to do.  We must raise our children with love and in righteousness.  Leaders of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints have defined abuse. "Abuse is the physical, emotional, sexual, or spiritual mistreatment of others.  It may not only harm the body, but it can deeply affect the mind and spirit, destroying faith and causing confusion, doubt, mistrust, guilt, and fear" (1995, p. 1).  Why anyone would want to do these things to a child, I have no idea. But it does happen.  “Little children are innocent and precious in the eyes of God. Jesus Christ experienced some of His most tender moments with children and reserved His strongest language for those who abuse them. ‘Whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea’ (Matthew 18:6)” (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, 2005).  The welfare of a child is not something a parent should tamper with.

This mistreatment of children is followed by many damaging consequences.  According to the Child Welfare Information Gateway (2008), they may suffer from physical health consequences, psychological consequences, and/or behavioral consequences.

Physical health consequences:
While the physical consequences can be minimal and short term such as bruises, scratches and even broken bones, they can also be long term and very damaging.  A small baby could suffer from shaken baby syndrome and die.  A child may also suffer from brain damage linked to being abused and causing the brain to not develop correctly.  Poor physical health could also be a result of child abuse and neglect; there could be problems with “allergies, arthritis, asthma, bronchitis, high blood pressure, and ulcers" (Child Welfare Information Gateway, 2008).

Psychological consequences:
“The immediate emotional effects of abuse and neglect—isolation, fear, and an inability to trust—can translate into lifelong consequences, including low self-esteem, depression, and relationship difficulties" (Child Welfare Information Gateway, 2008).  They may also suffer from poor emotional and mental health and have issues such as panic disorder, dissociative disorders, attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder, anger, post traumatic stress disorder, and reactive attachment disorder.  Abused children usually do not excel in school and have difficulty with cognitive development.

Behavioral consequences:
Abused children are more likely to suffer from delinquency and criminality later in life and have drug and alcohol abuse.  It is not uncommon for someone who was abused to also become abusive themselves later in life.  If that’s all that you were raised with, then it tends to roll over into your own family.

Children are so sweet. They are loved by the Lord and should be loved by their parents.  They should be cared for and their needs should always be met.  They trust their parents to be there and will do almost anything to please their parents.  Do not let them down.  Do not forget who they are and who they will become.

Sources:

Child Welfare Information Gateway. (2008). Long-Term Consequences of Child Abuse and Neglect. Child Welfare Information Gateway. Retrieved from http://www.childwelfare.gov/

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. (2005, November 21). The Evil of Child Abuse. Newsroom. Retrieved from http://www.mormonnewsroom.org/

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. (1995). Responding to Abuse: Help for Ecclesiastic Leaders, 1. Retrieved from http://www.providentliving.org/

 

Post By Ragan: Work and Family Conflicts

I grew up in a home where my mother stayed home all day.  She cooked, she cleaned, she was always there for us.  I always had her there when I came home from school, the house always was nice and tidy, and dinner was always a home cooked meal.  However, times have changed and she now is a working mom. I still have an eleven year old sister at home who has not had the luxury of having a mom there to greet her every day when she gets home.  I know that this has affected her.  Although our family may need my mom to work and help provide for us financially, it still is important to realize that a mother's kids always needs their love and attention.

While many families have a need for both parents to work, it's essential for them to realize that a child always does best with a mother to stay home and take care of them.  A home with a working mother will have more negative outcomes than a home with a mother who is always there.

President Gordon B. Hinckley (1996) of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints once said, "It is well-nigh impossible to be a full-time homemaker and a full-time employee" (p. 69).  There is no easy way to be a mom and hold a job at the same time.  People may have to make sacrifices in order to sustain their families needs, but not without some consequences that follow.  There is a reason that we are counseled to not work as women.  We are advised to be there to provide" supervision in studying, in working inside and outside the home, in the nurturing that only [mothers] can adequately give—the love, the blessing, the encouragement, and the closeness of a mother" (Hinckley, 1998, p. 97).

There are many consequences that will follow with a mother who is no always able to adequately provide the attention that her children need.  Children constantly seek the attention of the people around them, but it is especially important to them to be recognized by their parents.  "Parental involvement... is one of the most important factors determining how a child performs in school" (Kaminer, 2005, p. 316).  Too often parents, mothers, get too involved in their work and the needs of child are put on the back burner.  Stress carries over from the work place into the home and it causes for unpleasant circumstances.

Even if a mother wants to be there for their child, workplaces don't usually oblige to letting a mom take a day off to be able to care for their children whenever necessary.  Mothers are "often unable to take time off from work to attend meetings with teachers, principals, and other school officials, or to stay at home with their children when they are sick" (Kaminer, 2005, p. 316), making the child's needs, again, be unmet.

In 1986, Jan Underwood Pinborough said, "Family life always demands sacrifice, but working outside the home makes it even more difficult to balance personal needs, marital needs, and family needs."  It is so important to learn to balance the life of our families and our work.  Our children need us and they must be our first priority.

Show them you care.  Show them you love them.  Be a loving mother.

Sources:
Hinckley, Gordon B. (1986, November). Women of the Church. Ensign, 69. Retrieved from http://www.lds.org/

Hinckley, Gordon B. (1998, November). Walking in the Light of the Lord. Ensign, 97. Retrieved from http://www.lds.org/

Kaminer, Debbie N. (2005). The Work-Family Conflict: Developing a Model of Parental Accommodation in the Workplace. American University Law Review. Retrieved from http://www.wcl.american.edu/journal/lawrev/54/kaminer.pdf.

Pinborough, Jan Underwood (1986, March). Working Double-Time: The Working Mother's Dilemma. Ensign. Retrieved from http://www.lds.org/