Post by Danny: Nurturing close relationships

Introduction

The desire for a strong and healthy relationship with one’s spouse, child, sibling, parent or co-worker is common among all human beings.  Everyone wants to love and be loved, it is a natural human desire.  Everyone wants to be happy and wants others to be happy when they are around.  Life, however, has a funny way of impeding strong relationships from remaining strong. The most appropriate question to ask ourselves is why this occurs.  Why can I not maintain a daily healthy relationship with my spouse, or my child?  Why must we argue?  Why are there so many negative feelings associated, at times, with those we love the most?  What can I do to stop this cycle before it turns ugly? The answer is simple in concept and difficult in application.   We need to communicate our expectations and then lower them.

I know it seems counter intuitive to make clear what we expect out of a relationship and then lower our expectations, so we will take this one step at a time. 

Content

Dr. John Lund, in his book “How to Hug a Porcupine: Dealing with Toxic and Difficult to Love Personalities” says, that “frustration comes from unmet expectations”. So, how can we change this cycle of frustration and unmet expectation? First we must learn to communicate.  Communication is a two way street.  It requires one person to send out a message, and another person to receive and understand said message.  Therefore, if we tell our two year old not to leave the front gate without explaining to the two year old what the “front gate” means, we have not communicated with our child, and have no right to be angry with that child when he/she passes through the gate and on into the street.  Communicating our expectations requires a good deal of effort on our part.  It is not enough to tell our children to “be good” and expect them to understand all that being “good” entails.  In order to truly communicate our expectations we must be willing to explain what we mean, and receive confirmation that the expectation and explanation was understood.

Now that our position is clear and understood we can expect compliance right? Wrong. We humans tend to believe that our way is the best way and that everybody else should jump on board.  This, of course, is a very arrogant and flawed way of thinking.  We cannot expect that just because we have taken the time to communicate properly our position that it will be met with acceptance.  Our spouse, for example, may listen to our expectations of them, fully understand what we want, and find that what we want is completely unrealistic.  What do we do then?  We negotiate.  We allow our spouse, children, and siblings etc. to engage in the communication and expectation process.  This may be difficult, but after all, do we not want a say in how we are expected to act?

Even with good communication and negotiation, we may find our spouse, child, siblings etc. to fall short of our expectations.  When this occurs it is almost guaranteed that we are dealing with a human.  Yes, it’s true, humans are imperfect.  If we expect perfection in our relationships we will be disappointed every time.  If we expect excellence, or greatness we will likely be dismayed as well.  What we need to do in this situation is: lower our expectations!  Provide your loved one a few faults here and there.  Choose to withhold criticism, anger, and punishment. Choose not to be offended. Elder David A. Bednar, of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles once said, “it ultimately is impossible for another person to offend you or to offend me…To be offended is a choice we make; it is not a condition inflicted or imposed upon us by someone or something else” (Bednar, 2006). When we decide to allow our loved ones a few faults, the blood that usually boils within will slow to a simmer at first, and then hopefully, with time, it will stop all together.  That is the goal.

Remember the scripture in Doctrine and Covenants 64:10, “I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men”. That is not to say that we should allow others to walk all over us. There are certain behaviors that should not be tolerated.  Children especially need discipline and guidance to help them learn socially accepted behaviors.  The message, rather, is to remember that no one is perfect.  We are not perfect.  Remember the words of the Savior when delivering His sermon on the mount, “And as ye would that men should do to you, do ye also to them likewise” (Luke 6:31). 

Conclusion

            Nurturing close relationships can seem difficult at times, but there is one simple formula that can help us avoid frustration and confrontation.  Communication is key.  Communication takes one person to send a message and another person to receive and understand that message.  Communicating expectations to our loved ones is the first step in the process.  It is possible that we will need to make negotiations, especially when an expectation seems unrealistic to one party.  Once expectations are made, understood, and accepted we need to be willing to allow for human error.  No one will be perfect, and as we accept this fact, we will be better able to develop, and maintain, healthy and strong relationships with the ones we love.

References:

Bednar, D.A. (2006, November) And nothing shall offend them. Ensign and Liahona, 89-92.

Lund, J. L. (1999). Frustration comes from unmet expectations. In How to hug a porcupine: Dealing with toxic and difficult to love personalities. Communications Company.