Styles generally fall into one or more of the following categories: authoritative, authoritarian, permissive, and neglectful - Wikipedia (Parenting Styles) gives us a quick rundown:
Diana Baumrind (1973) became particularly interested in the connection between the parental behavior and the development of instrumental competence, which refers to the ability to manipulate the enviornment to achieve ones goals. In her research, found what she considered to be the four basic elements that could help shape successful parenting: responsiveness vs. unresponsiveness and demanding vs. undemanding. From these, she identified three general parenting styles: authoritative, authoritarian, and permissive. Maccoby and Martin expanded the styles to four: authoritative, authoritarian, indulgent and neglectful. These four styles of parenting involve combinations of acceptance and responsiveness on the one hand and demand and control on the other.
Authoritative parenting has been shown to have the greatest positive effects on children. How can we navigate the fine lines of parenting and do what's best for our children?
Baumrind Parenting Style Quiz
Most of the times that I have felt I have been a good parent have come when I take a proactive approach to parenting.
For Fun:
Permissive Parenting in Mrs. Doubtfire
So what does reactive parenting look like? Reactive parenting responds with punishment and correction. What about proactive parenting? Proactive parenting prepares for potential problems and conflicts by preparing children or by avoiding the situation all together.
A key to being able to appropriately proactive is to consider the age and temperament of the child. For example, when going to the grocery store, a proactive parent might discuss multiple times with the child before arriving whether the child will receive a treat, or even what that treat might be (picking a fruit as opposed to m&m's). Or maybe even better, avoiding a tantrum for candy by using the self-checkout so that the isles of candy are not right next to the child.
On the other hand, a reactive parent is met with the tantrum in the store and might jump right to yelling back at the child to be quiet (a little hypocritical?). They might also react with punishments or other forms of discipline.
The challenge with reactive parenting is that the child doesn't learn anything. Consider a different situation - learning to walk. A small toddler doesn't know how to walk any better than they do to not throw a tantrum or cry when they don't get what they want. But how many parents would scold a child for not getting it right the first time? Or the tenth or 99th? Seems ridiculous, right? But yet we tend to not have patience or attempt to teach and coach when it comes to behavior we deem inappropriate, such as temper tantrums.
How much better off are all children if they are simply taught better behavior rather than punished for things they don't really know how to do well yet???
A few techniques can help parents become more proactive.
Cocooning is the practice of shielding children from negative outside influences - maybe restricting media, friends, or controlling where children are allowed to go. This can be a great, proactive way to help guide children, but if parents aren't explaining well to the children about the rules and decision making process from the parent's point of view, children can rebel. This second step is called Prearming.
Prearming is the process of giving children information up front so that they cope with influences from outside the home that might not be in line with the parent's ideas and family philosophies. A concerned parent is prearming a child when talking with them about healthy body images compared to what the media portrays (a confusing message).
In the end, proactive parenting is about support and involvement and really knowing your children enough that you really can effectively listen and help them with what they need. More times than not, its simply about slowing down and taking time - adults do everything thousands of times faster than kids, and we are accustomed to INSTANT gratification, but the biggest difference we can make in the lives of our children more often than not is about taking a few extra min to let them "help," taking a few extra hours maybe to listen, and taking time to do things according to their needs.
Additional Resources (in a new window):
http://proactiveparenting.net/
http://www.proactiveparent.com/
http://www.fatherhood.org/
www.parenting.org
www.parenting.com
I think one of the things I am most nervous about is having the patience necessary to guide my children. I know it is important, but I imagine it is very difficult when you are tired, or in a hurry, to wait while they help you when you could do it so much faster. The difference between efficiency and effectiveness.
ReplyDeleteToo true! I think that patience might be our most important soon to be extinct virtue. Take all the families that you read about where dad lost his job and so bought a shotgun and kills his whole family - so sad and tragic that we can't just know that "this too shall pass..." With kids it really can make all the difference. If you know you want to have the time to spend on them, you can try to plan out extra time. For example, whenever I have a home improvement project to do, I double the expected time to complete so I can spend time with bronson and his "tools." Good luck- your last few months will fly by!
DeleteI am worried about the same things as Danny, but I don't have kid on the way! I hope that I can be proactive in a way that embraces the fun of Mrs Doubtfire, but keeps in balance the correction and necessary guidance. It's remarkable how much we hear that we need to talk to and listen patiently to really know our children!
ReplyDeleteLiz Pusey
What's funny is that adults seem to think so many things about parenting are multiple choice... Robin William's character is a great example. He feels that the only way to give his daughter an "A+" birthday is all that stuff, animals, crazy table dancing, etc. I bet that if he would have just spent a few hours just the two of them bowling and getting her favorite pizza that she would have still rated her birthday as "A+", ya know? I think the best thing to do is take copious notes when you see fun things that ARE done right!
DeleteI had never thought to go to the self check out lines to avoid the temptation for candy, but it makes so much sense. Proactive parenting seems to be a lot easier while avoiding a lot of frustration from both the parent and the child.
ReplyDeleteI think it is so important to understand our children so that we can teach them in the most effective way possible. If we don't know our children then not only is it hard for them to learn proper behavior, but it is also difficult for them to recognize our love and respect that we have for our children, even when they may make a poor decision.
ReplyDeleteBeing a proactive parents allows for children to learn and grow in a safe, loving environment. The child knows they are safe because they are loved and KNOWN. And everyone wants to be known.
I have seen many parents who use the cocooning approach to control what the child sees and does in the home without any real attempt to prepare them for the world outside the home. In these cases I have seen two general outcomes: the child indulges in the 'taboo' behavior while away and purposely omits any mention of it to her parents when she returns or the child, lacking the social skills to deal with the dilemma, refuses to participate in the activity, sending an 'holier than thou' message (all unintended) resulting in ridicule from friends. I like this notion of pre-arming the child to deal with discrepancies and hopefully it includes a discussion on how to respond in such a way that the child is not ostracized by peers.
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