Post by Elizabeth: Parenting Adolescents

            Adolescence is often times characterized by a period of storm and stress. However, research shows not all teenagers experience this turbulence, but this is the time in one’s life when such storm and stress is most likely to occur (Arnett, 1999). Parenting an adolescent does not have to be a negative experience, and can be quite rewarding. Parents can develop close relationships with their children that will last through their lifetime. However, this does not come without years of hard work and compromise between both parent and child.

            During the adolescent years, many struggle with the battle between the need for autonomy and the continued need for regulation. While adolescents want nothing more than to be allowed to do whatever they please, it is not necessarily the best thing for them. Adolescents need boundaries and rules including curfews, chores, and parents need to be aware of the peers with whom their child is spending time. Secretly adolescents want their parents to have rules and expectations for them. Adolescents normally want their parents to be waiting up for them at 2 a.m. when they get home, because they know they will be held accountable for their condition when they arrive home. Mainly, adolescents just need someone to care about where they are, who they are with, and what they are doing. They need someone to have their best interest in mind and help them make decisions that will inevitably affect their future.

Be active and involved in your child’s life! By doing so you will be aware of what is happening in their life!

It is important to remember that parenting adolescents actually starts way before adolescence. Many parents are afraid to have teenagers in the house, but with a firm foundation set into place starting in early childhood, parents need not fear.

Parenting styles are crucial during this time. Authoritative parenting provides a balance of high expectations and sensitivity. Even though it would not be impossible, it would certainly be difficult for a parent to switch their parenting styles during adolescence, because of the likelihood of the adolescent’s resistance to the change. Switching from permissive parenting, the child will likely reject the new set of expectations and rules, and switching from authoritarian, the adolescent may not have the skills he/she needs to make appropriate autonomous decisions. The balance between autonomy and regulation lies in flexibility and mutual understanding by both parent and child. This is much easier said than done. Giving the child experiences they need to make independent decisions within the boundaries set by the parent allows the adolescent to feel more confident and secure in their parent-child relationship (Allen, Porter, McFarland, McElhaney, & Marsh, 2007).

Adolescents are trying to discover who they are, what their goals are in life, and how to establish close relationships. This can be particularly difficult at times, due to several cognitive limitations. Adolescents experience what is called an imaginary audience, where they think everyone else is watching them, and will notice every minor detail. An example is that an adolescent girl wore her favorite shirt to school, but she thinks everyone will remember that she wore it last week. Or going to a concert and the adolescent is sure that everyone will notice if he doesn’t wear the right type of clothing. Another cognitive limitation is the personal fable, which essentially is that they don’t think anyone understands them. For example, a teenage boy was just dumped by his girlfriend of a week, and he does not think his parents could possible understand what he is experiencing. Despite these cognitive limitations, adolescents can be highly functional young adults, that mature into effective adults and contributing members of society. 

            C. Richard Chidester wrote an Ensign article in July 1981 titled “The Art of Raising Teenagers.” He gives basic instructions on how to raise teenagers. He discusses many of the challenges parents and adolescents face, and how to overcome those trials. I recommend this article as a source of information about an LDS perspective on raising adolescents.

            Another talk that is a source of guidance for parents is "Courageous Parenting" by Elder Larry R. Lawrence. He gives excellent insight into how to be an effective parent to teenagers. It is certainly not an easy task but he gives the following advice.

Parents must not be afraid to speak up and take a stand. Parenting is overwhelming and difficult; however, it is important to be courageous and help our youth make good decisions. Our job as parents is not to be our children’s best friends, although it is certainly important to have positive relationships. Our job is to raise them so that they can become effective adults that make a difference in the world. Though there are trying days, the rewards of being a parent far outweigh the trials experienced.

References

Allen, J. P., Porter, M., McFarland, C., McElhaney, K., & Marsh, P. (2007). The relation of

attachment security to adolescents' paternal and peer relationships, depression, and

externalizing behavior. Child Development, 78, 1222-1239. 

Arnett, J. (1999). Adolescent storm and stress, reconsidered. American Psychologist, 54, 317-

326. 

Chidester, C. R. (1981). The fine art of raising teenagers. Retrieved from

http://www.lds.org/ensign/1981/07/the-fine-art-of-raising-teenagers.

Lawrence, L. R. (2010). Courageous parenting. Retrieved from http://www.lds.org/general-

conference/2010/10/courageous-parenting.

Vartanian, L. (2000). Revisiting the imaginary audience and personal fable constructs of

adolescent egocentrism: A conceptual review. Adolescence, 35, 639-661.