Post by Liz: Parent Child Relations- Secure Attachment

Do you want these characteristics in your child??

· Aggressive- hitting, biting, screaming
· Frustrates easily
· Too independent
· Clinging
· Over- emotional
· Acts like baby for attention
· Cries often
· Misbehaves for attention
· Bossy
· Hard to get along with
· Speaks incoherently
· Relates poorly to others

To avoid these characteristics of insecure attachment, Parents- please strive for a secure emotional attachment with your child.

https://www.ocps.net/cs/ese/support/ei/Pages/IncredibleYears.aspx

Building a secure relationship with a child takes time and effort. Attachment is defined as “emotional bond to another person” and can be broken down into four major components:

1. Safe Haven: If child feels threatened or afraid, he can return to caregiver for comfort and soothing. 

2. Secure Base: The caregiver provides a secure and dependable base for the child to explore the world. 

3. Proximity Maintenance: The child strives tot stay near the caregiver, thus keeping the child safe.

4. Separation Distress: When separated from the caregiver, the child will become upset and distressed.

(Cherry, About.com)

If we can build a relationship that nurtures, teaches, comforts, and protects our children then we are fulfilling our purpose at parents. We are to promote the positive and infuse our children's lives with light and love. If we are to build a positive relationship it must be out of love- including playing, praise, rewards, limits, discipline, and cooperation. All of this does not come all at once, much like the way the child learns for himself. 

Cheryl A. Esplin taught in April 2012  General Conference: 

This divine privilege of raising our children is a much greater responsibility than we can do alone, without the Lord’s help. He knows exactly what our children need to know, what they need to do, and what they need to be to come back into His presence. He gives mothers and fathers specific instruction and guidance through the scriptures, His prophets, and the Holy Ghost.

In a latter-day revelation through the Prophet Joseph Smith, the Lord instructs parents to teach their children to understand the doctrine of repentance, faith in Christ, baptism, and the gift of the Holy Ghost. Notice the Lord doesn’t just say we are to “teach the doctrine”; His instructions are to teach our children to “understand the doctrine.” (SeeD&C 68:25, 28; emphasis added.)

In Psalms we read, “Give me understanding, and I shall keep thy law; yea, I shall observe it with my whole heart” (Psalm 119:34).

Teaching our children to understand is more than just imparting information. It’s helping our children get the doctrine into their hearts in a way that it becomes part of their very being and is reflected in their attitudes and behavior throughout their lives.

If we are to raise children in the intended way, we must be willing to follow the inspired instructions of the Lord. A deep rooting in the doctrine needs to be incorporated into their very being. Leading by example in righteousness is key. Teaching them to live the doctrine and apply it outside the 3 hour Sunday block is so very important.  Christ knows those children better than us and can make it possible to navigate the most frustrating of times. Developing a secure loving attachment is vitally important for a child's success later in life. If you can help them have a secure attachment to you as a parent and also to their Savior Jesus Christ then the outcomes will inevitably be favorable.  Basing your parenting around the Lord's counsel will guide them and you through the process.

http://psychology.about.com/od/loveandattraction/ss/attachmentstyle_4.htm

A parent who seeks to develop a secure attachment with their child will consistently and lovingly give comfort and help. This parent will be there to listen, play, soothe, counsel and guide on a regular basis. This parent does not seek to schedule the child into a hectic schedule. Loving and quality relationships take time. This parent will always return to the child and be greeted (more often than not) with a child who is happy and anxious for their return.  Patterning the parent-child relationship after our perfect Exemplar will promote this unconditional love we strive for. To begin any secure relationship- spend TIME together.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jds1QZrJq1Y

References:

Cherry, K. Attachment theory. Retrieved 5 August, 2012, from http://psychology.about.com/od/loveandattraction/a/attachment01.htm

Esplin, C. A. (2012). Teaching our children to understand. Retrieved 5 August, 2012, from https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2012/04/teaching-our-children-to-understand?lang=eng